Having children had transformed my life at a cellular level.
“If you were wise enough to know that this life would consist mostly of letting go of things you wanted, then why not get good at the letting go, rather than the trying to have? These exotic revelations bubbled up involuntarily and I began to understand that the sleeplessness and vigilance and constant feedings were a form of brainwashing, a process by which my old self was being molded, slowly but with a steady force, into a new shape: a mother. It hurt. I tried to be conscious while it happened, like watching my own surgery. I hoped to retain a tiny corner of the old me, just enough to warn other women with. But I knew this was unlikely; when the process was complete I wouldn’t have anything left to complain with, it wouldn’t hurt anymore, I wouldn’t remember.”
The biggest part of motherhood transformation for me, is about discovery (or re-discovery). The world has been made entirely new by the presence of my children in it. I had forgotten how wonderful and magical fireworks are. I am as surprised as them every time we go exploring through the little garden and find bright green caterpillars resting on the leaves. It’s beyond imagination that we should be so lucky to blow bubbles in the yard and spot airplanes flying through the sky. And sometimes, when we are very lucky, a red dragonfly would land beside us. The world is insanely, incomprehensively amazing when you are being directed by a three-year-old and one-year-old.
Everything about the world is just so beautiful.
And a perfect day for me, is able to spend time with them, tell them stories and laugh over tiny silly things: such as when someone sneeze and we will all giggle and say bless you!
(I know, it all sound a bit boring and cliché, but being a mother makes you look at life rather differently.)
I no longer stick to my own agenda and the urge of chasing productivity has lost almost entirely. I am humbled. I just want to express a relatively small portion of me to the world, to love people well, to spend time with those that are important in my life. So motherhood constricted me, but it also makes me focus. Never in my life I am so clear about what really matters and what doesn’t.
Some days, I feel stronger and wiser than I have ever been.
Some days, I feel so stretched out and weak.
Some days, it is just perfect.
Like this particular day we spent cuddling in the hotel room and celebrated Annabelle’s 1st birthday.
Sometimes I would think about how I used to be before the children come, especially at night when everyone is asleep. And I realized that I don’t really remember my old self. Motherhood is the beginning of permanent transformation. I did it three years ago and it is the most amazing blessing I’ve ever known.
Thank you so much for reading.
God bless you.
P.S.: I am working very hard nowadays to keep this blog alive, in a hope that I can continue to be inspired and to inspire people around. If you think I am doing a good job here, I really hope that you can share my blog with your friends and family by clicking any of the sharing buttons below. I will be really really grateful. Thank you very much.